We're blowin the dust off of U.G. and letting it out to play again. Sorry for it's absence, but you know how that goes. So Mr. Marcus and I have been attending a marriage class at our church every Wednesday for the past couple weeks. The info was getting sooo good, that I had to come back and share some of it with you guys.
The class has been on the subject of communication. We've discussed those things that can hinder it and those things that help us do it effectively. Mr. Marcus and I have been communication for over 5 years now, and have yet to become perfectionists at the art, so these particular discussions have become treasures to us and our relationship.
The first and most important point that was brought up was that couples should pray together...CONSTANTLY. When we were apart and living in two different cities, Mr. Marcus and I made it a point to pray together over the phone every night before we went to bed. But since getting married and living together, we've kinda slacked off. Whether it was us not going to bed together at the same time or sheer forgetfulness, we had really fallen of the consistency wagon. We had always known that prayer was a powerful tool to use for any and every situation. However, holding hands and praying together with your spouse/significant other produces a since of security and a bond that can not be easily broken. It not only acknowledges God and His tremendous power, it creates an invitation for Him to come in and be the center of your relationship. Remember the three-strand cord? (Ecclesiastes 4:12) Putting God in the center of your communication is a must and the first step to a healthy and lasting relationship.
Next point: Be sure your honey is listening before you start talking. Don't try to communicate if he/she is pre-occupied with something else. If you know you're man is playing his league playoff game on the Xbox, then that may not be the best time for you to talk about your over-due credit card bill. And guys, if you know that Real Housewives of Atlanta is your girl's favorite show, don't use that as the time to want to talk about her overdue credit card bill! With subjects of this importance, be sure to set aside a time when both parties are available and can be present in the conversation.
Now this one's a biggie: Use "I" statements, not "you" statements when talking out an issue and try to remove the phrases like "ALWAYS", "NEVER", and "I'm the ONLY one...", especially during heated discussions. These things can really drive the person that's on the receiving end right over the edge and make a bad situation worse.
Ok, this next point is one that I, myself, struggle with to this day (but I'm working on it!!!) DO NOT MIND-READ: ASSUMING YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR BOO IS THINKING OR IS ABOUT TO SAY. It's very difficult to argue with Mr. Marcus. It's very rare for the point that I would argue would actually win the fight. So with being "defeated" so many times, I thought I was recognizing a pattern. Then I would try to use that pattern to predict what he would say. This lead to horrible assumptions, breakdowns in communication because I would just stop talking when I realized I "lost", and me being mad before he would even say anything! So take it from me, folks. Don't make an a$$ out of yourself. Turn those assumptions into questions and ASK them. You'll be amazed at how clearly things can begin to appear.
I kind of touched on this a few lines up, but the next point is to AVOID the silent treatment. Effective communication can only happen if both of you are actually communicating. The silent treatment is nothing more than a cop-out. It's actually pretty selfish and kinda puts off the message that you don't care. You're withholding information from your significant other that could possibly lead to enlightening them or bettering the situation. Not to mention that it can create the atmosphere for retaliation. You're trying to give him the silent treatment and he gives it to you right back. Now, nobody's talking! And what does that get you? ......................exactly.
The last couple points I can combine into one: BE NICE! Compliment your significant other on a regular basis; say "I love you" and "I appreciate you" often. Saying and hearing these words are important and saying/hearing the reasons behind them can send one's spirits soaring. Ladies, this is especially for you. Men need those words of affirmation as much as we do. Be a cheerleader for your man. Man can not live on bread alone, but if you provide a little verbal support every now and then, he may be motivated enough to go out and find the 2-piece that goes with it!!! LOL I'm kidding, but seriously...actions don't always mean more than words. The words you speak have the awesome power to either build up or tear down. Choose your words wisely, because you can't take them back (Proverbs 18:21). And if you know you're getting ready to bring up a testy subject/situation, start out with something positive. Its likely that they'll be more open to discuss the matter if you do. And finally, FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER. Things might be said that will hurt, but remember your partner is not your enemy. Don't let unforgiveness grow into something that can't be controlled, and in turn, has control over your relationship.
They didn't lie when they said, "When you know better, you do better." And now that we know and we're doing, it's only right to pass these points along to others. They've been eye-openers to me and Mr. Marcus and they're helping us with our daily communication. It's my hope and prayer that they are now able to help someone else.
Xoxo,
Coco
Showing posts with label Uncommon Ground. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Uncommon Ground. Show all posts
UNCOMMON GROUND: Cohabitation
Mr. Marcus and I have been married almost six months now, and we have recently come to the realization that we didn't know as much about each other as we thought. Its just the little things that you could never know about a person until you live with them. I'm sure you all can remember the Xbox situation ( i.e., I didn't know he could play those mind-numbing video games for 33,832 hours straight). But there are other things, like he often times fails to remembers to put a trash bag in the trash can after he takes out the trash. And I can bet my life that there are some things that are new to him. Of course, no one can ever know eeeeevrything about someone; but the fact that we didn't live together before we got married, really shines a light on those little things that we're just now discovering. So now I ask myself, "Would things be different if we lived together before we got married?"
We've all heard at some point in our lives that cohabitating before marriage, or shacking, as some call it, is a sin. And if you haven't heard that its wrong, you've at least heard someone refer to a shacking couple in a condecending tone. Simply put, its no secret that its looked down upon by a majority of the adult society. I never had the conversation with my parents about it, but I had a good feeling that it wasn't something they'd be overjoyed to tell their friends about. All I knew was that I didn't want to stake my claim at it. I especially didn't want to have a knock-down, drag-out debate over it with my dad.
But, why do so many people make it out to be such a big deal? I've never seen Biblical scriptions that said anything about shacking or cohabitating. Isn't it just two people that like/love each other, living together to test the waters...or to save on rent?
We've all heard at some point in our lives that cohabitating before marriage, or shacking, as some call it, is a sin. And if you haven't heard that its wrong, you've at least heard someone refer to a shacking couple in a condecending tone. Simply put, its no secret that its looked down upon by a majority of the adult society. I never had the conversation with my parents about it, but I had a good feeling that it wasn't something they'd be overjoyed to tell their friends about. All I knew was that I didn't want to stake my claim at it. I especially didn't want to have a knock-down, drag-out debate over it with my dad.
But, why do so many people make it out to be such a big deal? I've never seen Biblical scriptions that said anything about shacking or cohabitating. Isn't it just two people that like/love each other, living together to test the waters...or to save on rent?
Uncommon Ground: Don't Knock the Box
Ok, people. My other half has given you her spill about the Xbox, but what she failed to mention is the time she spends watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta" or HGTV or all those other shows that most men really could careless whether they aired or not. But, enough of my evening the score though; let me get to the real reason for this post. I have been told that women really make the statement that they would not be with a "Grown Man" who plays video games. If you are this woman, I want you to know that is the retardedest statement you can ever make. I know games take up a lot of time that WOMEN feel that we could use doing something proooooductive, but what you women have to understand is that what makes a happy man makes a happy woman; not the other way around. Let me explain before you go all "No He Didn't" on me.
See for years and years people have been teaching young men and women that a happy wife makes a happy marriage..................B#%L$H!T. This saying derives from the assumption that if the wife is happy, then she will have sex with the husband on a regular basis and that sex is the only thing that makes a man happy. Well, as much as I love sexing my wife, it is not the only thing that makes me happy. Furthermore, no matter how happy a man makes a woman, she still is not going to have sex with him when, where and how he wants on his command...so all the happy hard work would be for nothing. On the other hand, if a man is happy in his marriage, he will do whatever his wife ask him such as cut the grass, wash the car, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, etc. How does this relate to the Xbox, you ask? Well, here it is...so pay attention.
For guys like me, the Xbox is what we use to fill the competitive void that is left when we get married or involved in serious relationship. This ain't Twitter, but follow me on this one, OK? From the time a man is born, he is in full competitive mode i.e. who's the fastest, who's the strongest, who's the tallest, who can piss the longest (yes this is an official sport look it up) who can get the most numbers at the 7th grade dance, who has the fastest car, who has the biggest rims, the list goes on and on ladies and the only thing that can validate these victories or defeats is the bragging rights that are earned and respected by the Real N!gg@ Record Book (yes it does exist look it up and white people are included) When a guy gets married he has to give up most of his competitive ways I mean really we can't chase women anymore, we can't spend the "family money on cars and rims, we can't have pissing contest because youuuuu think it's embarrassing so what do we do, turn to video games. It's the only thing we can do to continue to earn bragging rights over our peers that are responsible, respectable, and not perverse. So ladies take this into consideration, when you leave your man with his friends and you know that all they do is play video games you have nothing at all to worry about because you know how much time we spend on the game and you know that we aren't doing anything else. If you want a man who doesn't play video games let's go down the list of things he may be doing when you are not watching. Texting or Facebooking the girl he met at the club, the club that he went to because he wasn't at home playing video games, maybe he is watching porn, maybe it's gay porn who knows what an idle mind wants, maybe he's at the strip club, maybe he's talking to his friend about the times he had with the females before you, maybe he is comparing Beyonce's ass to Rihanna's ass or maybe just looking at Nicki Minaj's ass (we men like ass), maybe he's flirting with the cashier at Wal-Mart (this list goes on and on as well) this is the moral right here. When a man doesn't play video games, he gets bored; when he gets bored, he goes to the club; when he goes to the club, he drinks liquor; when he drinks liquor, he gets aroused; when he gets aroused, he finds a jumpoff; when he finds a jumpoff, he ends up with a baby mama. Do you want your man to end up with a baby mama? Your Call.
Mr. Marcus
See for years and years people have been teaching young men and women that a happy wife makes a happy marriage..................B#%L$H!T. This saying derives from the assumption that if the wife is happy, then she will have sex with the husband on a regular basis and that sex is the only thing that makes a man happy. Well, as much as I love sexing my wife, it is not the only thing that makes me happy. Furthermore, no matter how happy a man makes a woman, she still is not going to have sex with him when, where and how he wants on his command...so all the happy hard work would be for nothing. On the other hand, if a man is happy in his marriage, he will do whatever his wife ask him such as cut the grass, wash the car, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, etc. How does this relate to the Xbox, you ask? Well, here it is...so pay attention.
For guys like me, the Xbox is what we use to fill the competitive void that is left when we get married or involved in serious relationship. This ain't Twitter, but follow me on this one, OK? From the time a man is born, he is in full competitive mode i.e. who's the fastest, who's the strongest, who's the tallest, who can piss the longest (yes this is an official sport look it up) who can get the most numbers at the 7th grade dance, who has the fastest car, who has the biggest rims, the list goes on and on ladies and the only thing that can validate these victories or defeats is the bragging rights that are earned and respected by the Real N!gg@ Record Book (yes it does exist look it up and white people are included) When a guy gets married he has to give up most of his competitive ways I mean really we can't chase women anymore, we can't spend the "family money on cars and rims, we can't have pissing contest because youuuuu think it's embarrassing so what do we do, turn to video games. It's the only thing we can do to continue to earn bragging rights over our peers that are responsible, respectable, and not perverse. So ladies take this into consideration, when you leave your man with his friends and you know that all they do is play video games you have nothing at all to worry about because you know how much time we spend on the game and you know that we aren't doing anything else. If you want a man who doesn't play video games let's go down the list of things he may be doing when you are not watching. Texting or Facebooking the girl he met at the club, the club that he went to because he wasn't at home playing video games, maybe he is watching porn, maybe it's gay porn who knows what an idle mind wants, maybe he's at the strip club, maybe he's talking to his friend about the times he had with the females before you, maybe he is comparing Beyonce's ass to Rihanna's ass or maybe just looking at Nicki Minaj's ass (we men like ass), maybe he's flirting with the cashier at Wal-Mart (this list goes on and on as well) this is the moral right here. When a man doesn't play video games, he gets bored; when he gets bored, he goes to the club; when he goes to the club, he drinks liquor; when he drinks liquor, he gets aroused; when he gets aroused, he finds a jumpoff; when he finds a jumpoff, he ends up with a baby mama. Do you want your man to end up with a baby mama? Your Call.
Mr. Marcus
UNCOMMON GROUND: Balance
"Uh, NO MA'AM! I refuse to date a man that plays video games!"
Haven't you heard this before???? Were you the one that said it???
This topic has come up on more than one occasion in my circle of friends. And it's not just a hot topic with my single friends, but the married ones alike! What is it about these hot wired plastic boxes that hypnotizemen people to the point where they can't seem to notice the on-going world around them? Is it the escape from reality? Is it the competition? Is it both??? No matter the answer, the PlayStation, Wii and XBOX 360 are here to stay! And if you're the woman who's made the above statement, your selection in men is expeditiously dwindling to slim pickings!
I always tell my friends to not dismiss the man that plays video games. Hell, he could always be doing worse! But when you're in a relationship where video games are involved, a mutual understanding has to be met very early on. There must be BALANCE. When things get to the point where you feel as if the video game gets more attention than you do, that's when you have a problem.
Now, if you and your mate have already established ground rules and have a mutual understanding on the topic, then there should only be a small and non-confrontational reminder of what the original understanding was. Your man should have no problem getting things back in order. BUT, and this is a big but, if you've been in your relationship for over 6 months and have watched/listened to/heard about this man playing the game every waking moment of his day, and you haven't said anything about it, then honey, you're going to be faced with some major disappointment. That's not to say that it will never get to where you want it to be; but you are definitely going to face some huge, blow-up arguments before you get there. And if you're looking for a living testimony, look no further.
Yes, I have lived the nightmare and the dream. Mr. Marcus is an AVID Xbox player. Now, please understand that he wasn't so avid during the first 18 months of our relationship. Yes, he played video games, but when we were together, which was all the time, we gave each other our undivided attention. It wasn't until I moved to Fort Smith that his gaming time increased drastically. It was what he used to fill the time that we used to spend together. It filled a void. But even then, it wasn't all that bad. I mean, if you don't count the hundreds of times he wasn't listening to me during our phone conversations, but still. When we did see each other on the weekends, that was our time. Rarely, would he ever turn the game on over the weekends. So there wasn't much to complain about.
It wasn't until we got married and moved in together when I started to see a problem. I guess it was at its worst point about two months in. We had already had one or two "discussions" about his gaming time. But it got to the point where Mr. Marcus would leave for work before 8 am, get home from work around 6:30 pm, kiss me hello (most of the time), change clothes and eat dinner by 7 pm, turn the game on by 7:12 pm, play the game until almost midnight, and then that's when it was time to be married. I kid you not! I promise, it got so bad, that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him while the game was on. I hated everything about it...and sometimes, even him while he was on it. I hated the way he talked to all of the people he played the game with; I hated what they talked about; I hated the fact that they would argue about some of the most ignoramus topics...and actually be serious about it! I felt myself growing more and more depressed. It was getting difficult to carry on a conversation with him, even when he wasn't playing the game. I couldn't be the wife I wanted to be, or even supposed to be. Of course I kept the house clean, cooked everyday and took care of Davin. But I wasn't fulfilling those other wifely duties. But can you blame me???
Who wants to spend any time with someone that CHOOSES to spend 4-6 of their free hours out of the day doing something other than spending time with you??? Not me!!! That's not the way to get somebody all hot and bothered.
I was at my breaking point. I couldn't continue acting the way I was acting and expect him to "get" how I was feeling. We had to have a long and serious come-to-Jesus-meeting. And after a lot of back and forth of me telling him what he was doing wrong and his rebuttals of "I'm NOT gonna quit playing the game!" (even though I never asked him to), I was finally able to explain to him how I really felt. I told him that I felt as if he'd rather spend his time with a machine than with the living, breathing flesh that he chose to marry. I told him that I felt like he would defend playing the game without even considering how it was effecting our relationship. I told him that it just wasn't fair for him to spend four hours playing the game, and then I was left with about 45 minutes. I told him that I couldn't be the wife he wanted me to be if he couldn't be the husband I wanted him to be. And you know what, he heard me.
I thought that, if not the fight, our resentment would last a couple days and our little home would turn into an ice cold box. But, before we laid our heads to rest, we had reached a resolve. Once I stopped pointing the finger, and started expressing my actual feelings, my loving husband had reappeared before my very eyes. And for the first time in our 5 year relationship, the man told me that he was SORRY!!! Not that "I apologize" business. He said, I'm SORRY!!! And I swear to you, that was the sexiest thing he had ever said to me!!
I didn't set any boundaries or guidelines for the game after that. I felt like it was something that he had to do on his own so that I could see that he fully understood where I was coming from. I only asked him to keep his priorities balanced and in check. And he has.
So you see,ladies people, video games are not the enemy; just as long as there is a proper balance and you never feel that it always comes before you. And if the scales are a little off, don't blow up, cause a scene and and put them on the defensive. Have a sit down and tell 'em how you really feel.
SN: As you can see, this post was produced sans Mr. Marcus. And in his typical fashion, he seems to think that my post is acurate, but a little one sided. He'll be back a little later with his side of things, so be sure to stay tuned!
Haven't you heard this before???? Were you the one that said it???
This topic has come up on more than one occasion in my circle of friends. And it's not just a hot topic with my single friends, but the married ones alike! What is it about these hot wired plastic boxes that hypnotize
I always tell my friends to not dismiss the man that plays video games. Hell, he could always be doing worse! But when you're in a relationship where video games are involved, a mutual understanding has to be met very early on. There must be BALANCE. When things get to the point where you feel as if the video game gets more attention than you do, that's when you have a problem.
Now, if you and your mate have already established ground rules and have a mutual understanding on the topic, then there should only be a small and non-confrontational reminder of what the original understanding was. Your man should have no problem getting things back in order. BUT, and this is a big but, if you've been in your relationship for over 6 months and have watched/listened to/heard about this man playing the game every waking moment of his day, and you haven't said anything about it, then honey, you're going to be faced with some major disappointment. That's not to say that it will never get to where you want it to be; but you are definitely going to face some huge, blow-up arguments before you get there. And if you're looking for a living testimony, look no further.
Yes, I have lived the nightmare and the dream. Mr. Marcus is an AVID Xbox player. Now, please understand that he wasn't so avid during the first 18 months of our relationship. Yes, he played video games, but when we were together, which was all the time, we gave each other our undivided attention. It wasn't until I moved to Fort Smith that his gaming time increased drastically. It was what he used to fill the time that we used to spend together. It filled a void. But even then, it wasn't all that bad. I mean, if you don't count the hundreds of times he wasn't listening to me during our phone conversations, but still. When we did see each other on the weekends, that was our time. Rarely, would he ever turn the game on over the weekends. So there wasn't much to complain about.
It wasn't until we got married and moved in together when I started to see a problem. I guess it was at its worst point about two months in. We had already had one or two "discussions" about his gaming time. But it got to the point where Mr. Marcus would leave for work before 8 am, get home from work around 6:30 pm, kiss me hello (most of the time), change clothes and eat dinner by 7 pm, turn the game on by 7:12 pm, play the game until almost midnight, and then that's when it was time to be married. I kid you not! I promise, it got so bad, that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him while the game was on. I hated everything about it...and sometimes, even him while he was on it. I hated the way he talked to all of the people he played the game with; I hated what they talked about; I hated the fact that they would argue about some of the most ignoramus topics...and actually be serious about it! I felt myself growing more and more depressed. It was getting difficult to carry on a conversation with him, even when he wasn't playing the game. I couldn't be the wife I wanted to be, or even supposed to be. Of course I kept the house clean, cooked everyday and took care of Davin. But I wasn't fulfilling those other wifely duties. But can you blame me???
Who wants to spend any time with someone that CHOOSES to spend 4-6 of their free hours out of the day doing something other than spending time with you??? Not me!!! That's not the way to get somebody all hot and bothered.
I was at my breaking point. I couldn't continue acting the way I was acting and expect him to "get" how I was feeling. We had to have a long and serious come-to-Jesus-meeting. And after a lot of back and forth of me telling him what he was doing wrong and his rebuttals of "I'm NOT gonna quit playing the game!" (even though I never asked him to), I was finally able to explain to him how I really felt. I told him that I felt as if he'd rather spend his time with a machine than with the living, breathing flesh that he chose to marry. I told him that I felt like he would defend playing the game without even considering how it was effecting our relationship. I told him that it just wasn't fair for him to spend four hours playing the game, and then I was left with about 45 minutes. I told him that I couldn't be the wife he wanted me to be if he couldn't be the husband I wanted him to be. And you know what, he heard me.
I thought that, if not the fight, our resentment would last a couple days and our little home would turn into an ice cold box. But, before we laid our heads to rest, we had reached a resolve. Once I stopped pointing the finger, and started expressing my actual feelings, my loving husband had reappeared before my very eyes. And for the first time in our 5 year relationship, the man told me that he was SORRY!!! Not that "I apologize" business. He said, I'm SORRY!!! And I swear to you, that was the sexiest thing he had ever said to me!!
I didn't set any boundaries or guidelines for the game after that. I felt like it was something that he had to do on his own so that I could see that he fully understood where I was coming from. I only asked him to keep his priorities balanced and in check. And he has.
So you see,
SN: As you can see, this post was produced sans Mr. Marcus. And in his typical fashion, he seems to think that my post is acurate, but a little one sided. He'll be back a little later with his side of things, so be sure to stay tuned!
UNCOMMON GROUND: Video FAIL : (
Hey guys. So Uncommon Ground was supposed to make a come-back today with a new video feature, but go ahead virtually roll your eyes at me...yeah...you already know...
So what had happened was:
1. Mr. Marcus and I made a video, "Honesty: How much is too much?" We even broke out his video camera and set up our own version of a Good Morning America sound stage to record the 10 minute long masterpiece. But when it was time to upload the vid to my laptop, an all-important cord went missing. And who knows how long it's been missing...maybe even a couple years. So, needless to say...fail.
2. I was a little bored with the honesty video, so Mr. Marcus and I made another video... about acceptance. This time, with my iPhone, for easy uploading. Everything went well; we squeezed out another 10 minute long session; and while watching the playback, I HATED it. It was 10 minutes long because I was talking all slow and rambling about things that weren't even relevant to the topic. It was so bad.
3. I talk to Mr. Marcus about a re-do, he obliges, we start the redo, I stop the redo, I make a few "suggestions", and Mr. Marcus decided he didn't want to do it anymore. We went to bed.
4. I start to write a post about acceptance...had a little inspiration from a real life situation. And out of respect for a few people, that post got tossed.
Call it the domino effect. Or just call it what I call it...an atomic FAIL.
But since I couldn't leave you with another empty post, I decided to at least leave you with the partial redo that I mentioned in #3. What little bit there is to this video is way better than the 10 minute original. Only thing about it is...I don't talk at all. But whatever, that's why it's called a FAIL. And here it is in all it's failing glory...
So anyway, now that that's over, I know Christmas is only three days away. But if you're a procrastinator like me, you're still working on you're Christmas tree and other holiday decor. Well, come back tomorrow to see a craft-tastic post that includes handmade ornament and what not. And if you're not a procrastinator like me, just come back and see how we procrastinators roll. Boom.
So what had happened was:
1. Mr. Marcus and I made a video, "Honesty: How much is too much?" We even broke out his video camera and set up our own version of a Good Morning America sound stage to record the 10 minute long masterpiece. But when it was time to upload the vid to my laptop, an all-important cord went missing. And who knows how long it's been missing...maybe even a couple years. So, needless to say...fail.
2. I was a little bored with the honesty video, so Mr. Marcus and I made another video... about acceptance. This time, with my iPhone, for easy uploading. Everything went well; we squeezed out another 10 minute long session; and while watching the playback, I HATED it. It was 10 minutes long because I was talking all slow and rambling about things that weren't even relevant to the topic. It was so bad.
3. I talk to Mr. Marcus about a re-do, he obliges, we start the redo, I stop the redo, I make a few "suggestions", and Mr. Marcus decided he didn't want to do it anymore. We went to bed.
4. I start to write a post about acceptance...had a little inspiration from a real life situation. And out of respect for a few people, that post got tossed.
Call it the domino effect. Or just call it what I call it...an atomic FAIL.
But since I couldn't leave you with another empty post, I decided to at least leave you with the partial redo that I mentioned in #3. What little bit there is to this video is way better than the 10 minute original. Only thing about it is...I don't talk at all. But whatever, that's why it's called a FAIL. And here it is in all it's failing glory...
So anyway, now that that's over, I know Christmas is only three days away. But if you're a procrastinator like me, you're still working on you're Christmas tree and other holiday decor. Well, come back tomorrow to see a craft-tastic post that includes handmade ornament and what not. And if you're not a procrastinator like me, just come back and see how we procrastinators roll. Boom.
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