Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"If this isn't love" Part XI

What am I supposed to say? How in the world to do I break this down to him?

My mind raced with so many thoughts and predictions, I could feel my brain short-circuiting. The drive back back to his mom's house should've taken me 30 minutes...it seemed like 10. I wasn't ready to explain to him what was going on. I was having a hard time explaining it to myself!

How can I call off our wedding? This is the man that I'm supposed to marry! We made it through pre-marital counseling! Everything's already planned, booked, reserved and ready to go! I've already depleted my damn savings for this wedding!!!

Lord, is this really what I'm supposed to do???

But I didn't have to ask. My brain couldn't process it, but my heart knew what was truly right.

I got back to his mom's house, but I didn't say a word. I couldn't talk to anybody. I was in no mood for conversation. We loaded our thing into the truck and got on the road headed back to Little Rock. I searched for the right things to say, but found nothing. It was time to talk, but I had no words.

Is this really the time to tell him? I can't just bust out with that kind of news while he's driving! I can't do this right now...not in the car. I can't just sit here and say nothing either, though. I know...I'll just go to sleep. Zzzzz....

And I did. I slept for the entire hour and a half from Forrest City, AR to Little Rock. What else was I supposed to do??? Sit there gazing out to space for the whole trip? Yeah right!

Once we made it back to his house, I knew I couldn't avoid it any longer. It was time to let him know what was going on. We unloaded the car, got Baby Davin settled, and took a seat on the side of his bed. At that point, I still didn't know what to say...but it was time to say something. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) Mr. Marcus gave me an opening...

Being the analytical thinker that he is, it wasn't hard for him to see that something was disturbingly wrong. After questioning me about my behavior over the passed 3-4 hours, I finally came out and told him that the current state of our relationship was leading us straight into an unsuccessful marriage. How the pastor had just preached about what a man should be and how a man should be prepared when God allowed him to find his "good thing". How I was beginning to see what my father saw: him not truly loving me, because he wasn't doing everything he could to support me - especially while planning our wedding. How I felt he wasn't being the man he should've been at that point in our relationship: not taking care of me and Davin physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. How he hadn't even thought to find a place for us to call home once we were man and wife. How I realized that he just wasn't ready to get married.

I ended my speech just as I looked down at the beautifully sparkling jewel that adorned my left ring finger. It felt so heavy after realizing that we were no longer engaged. So after treasuring the token for three months and twenty days, I, regretfully, slipped it of my nervously shaking hand and slowly handed it to him.

I think you should keep this. I want you to give this back to me when you think you're ready.

I let it all out. I said it all. I got it all off my chest...and heart. I told him everything thought that had crossed my mind over the past two weeks. I clenched my jaw, waiting on his explosion of a response to what I had just released. Waited to hear his refuting argument to my logic. Waited hear him say something...anything.

And I waited. I got nothing. He said nothing. There was only silence. He didn't put up a fight. He didn't lash out. He did nothing.

I didn't know how to respond to such a reaction coming from him. It was something I had never before experienced. We both sat there...quiet...not knowing what comes next. It was a silence of mourners that rested among passed loved ones. It was a silence that screamed our time together had passed.

I arose from my seat and gathered mine and Davin's things. Marcus walked us to the car and kissed his son goodbye. He, then, stood inside my door with a look on his face that scars my heart to this day. With solemn goodbyes, he closed my door, and I began our trip back to Fort Smith. Only an hour before, the three of us had driven into Little Rock as a family. Now, two of us were leaving Little Rock questioning if we'd ever be a family again.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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